If you can’t get your mind of of your estrangement, Chatter by Ethan Kross offers practical, science-backed ways to interrupt rumination and regain perspective.
My son has been estranged 5 years. Solid relationship before he met a girl. We had concerns that we expressed. I'll save the descent of our (not only parents, but two brothers, and entire shared friend group did to like this girl) breakdown, but basically it was during Covid so we communicated only by text. Horrible mistake. One thing led to another and we did not attend the wedding. The wife said them or me you can't have both. He chose her. Over the years we have learned, studied, followed Dr. Josh Coleman, written a letter of amends, realized our mistakes and how we hurt him. If I could go back i would do so much differently. I understand now why I said the things I did. I have been working hard at conquering those demons with success. The problem - The whole family is completely blocked, letters and other communication has been unanswered. My recurring chatter is 1) how can I make him aware of how I have grown/changed/accepted responsibility/and truly regret the hurt I caused if I can't get him to even accept any communication and secondly, I don't want to die with him thinkings I am the same mom I was 6 years ago. While not crippling, these thoughts are daily downers. I do have a ton of support and am fortunate to have 2 other sons and daughters in law that I have phenomenal relationships with. And beloved grandchildren. I know many are not so lucky. the earlier thoughts were crushing, head on the floor types, now they are just intrusive and daily. Advice? Is this book for me? I am able to manage and enjoy my life now, except for these regrets that I cannot forgive myself for.
I'm so sorry, Suzanne. How very sad to lose your son in this way. 😢 And really, for everyone to lose him since he's not in contact with anyone. When kids cut off everyone, I often wonder if it is because it's just too painful for them to deal with any of it, so they choose to deal with none of it. It remains a mystery to me.
Regardless, we are left to deal with the aftermath. I understand those crippling thoughts you have. You are not alone in those. I know many mothers (myself included) who can have those "daily downers" even after several years and even with other good things in their lives. I can't say if this book will help you or not, but I can say that it has helped me. It hasn't eliminated those kind of crippling thoughts altogether, but it has given me tools to keep them at bay and to help me deal with them a little easier. And there's nothing to lose with trying these tools. They cost nothing and do no harm.
I've also found it important to be more compassionate with myself, both when I'm having those thoughts and even when I'm not. We have been through a LOT and we deserve the same kindness and understanding that we give to others. Sending hugs to you now! ❤️
I’m so glad you did share this with me, Laurie. I like your “inner map” approach! We need all the tools we can get to calm that nonstop chatter in our heads.
My son has been estranged 5 years. Solid relationship before he met a girl. We had concerns that we expressed. I'll save the descent of our (not only parents, but two brothers, and entire shared friend group did to like this girl) breakdown, but basically it was during Covid so we communicated only by text. Horrible mistake. One thing led to another and we did not attend the wedding. The wife said them or me you can't have both. He chose her. Over the years we have learned, studied, followed Dr. Josh Coleman, written a letter of amends, realized our mistakes and how we hurt him. If I could go back i would do so much differently. I understand now why I said the things I did. I have been working hard at conquering those demons with success. The problem - The whole family is completely blocked, letters and other communication has been unanswered. My recurring chatter is 1) how can I make him aware of how I have grown/changed/accepted responsibility/and truly regret the hurt I caused if I can't get him to even accept any communication and secondly, I don't want to die with him thinkings I am the same mom I was 6 years ago. While not crippling, these thoughts are daily downers. I do have a ton of support and am fortunate to have 2 other sons and daughters in law that I have phenomenal relationships with. And beloved grandchildren. I know many are not so lucky. the earlier thoughts were crushing, head on the floor types, now they are just intrusive and daily. Advice? Is this book for me? I am able to manage and enjoy my life now, except for these regrets that I cannot forgive myself for.
I'm so sorry, Suzanne. How very sad to lose your son in this way. 😢 And really, for everyone to lose him since he's not in contact with anyone. When kids cut off everyone, I often wonder if it is because it's just too painful for them to deal with any of it, so they choose to deal with none of it. It remains a mystery to me.
Regardless, we are left to deal with the aftermath. I understand those crippling thoughts you have. You are not alone in those. I know many mothers (myself included) who can have those "daily downers" even after several years and even with other good things in their lives. I can't say if this book will help you or not, but I can say that it has helped me. It hasn't eliminated those kind of crippling thoughts altogether, but it has given me tools to keep them at bay and to help me deal with them a little easier. And there's nothing to lose with trying these tools. They cost nothing and do no harm.
I've also found it important to be more compassionate with myself, both when I'm having those thoughts and even when I'm not. We have been through a LOT and we deserve the same kindness and understanding that we give to others. Sending hugs to you now! ❤️
Hi Cayla, thanks for sharing this book, it is truly my jam :). I never do this in comments, so please forgive me if it is not good Substack etiquette, but I recently wrote a post that is very much along these same lines, in that I discovered an "inner map" that helps me when the chatter gets too loud. It is here: https://strengthafterestrangement.substack.com/p/the-steady-presence-within-estrangement?r=8dsen2&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web.
I look forward to reading more of your posts, thank you!
I’m so glad you did share this with me, Laurie. I like your “inner map” approach! We need all the tools we can get to calm that nonstop chatter in our heads.
Absolutely! :)